For weeks and weeks I have been thinking about posting, I've even started a few posts, and then I just feel completely overwhelmed with trying to recap everything that has been going on in our lives. And then instead of completing a post I open and new window and read someone else's blog....
Mostly I haven't had time to do a post, but I know I need to- it's a nice way for me to process what's been going on, thoughts and feelings about life, family, love and work...
These last few weeks have been filled with lots of growing and learning. I've had lots of questions about what I'm supposed to be doing right now with my time? If I haven't found a job yet what can I do that helps me grow, as well as help others. Who can I help and how can I do that? How can I be a better wife, friend and sister?
I've also had lots of anxiety about my employment- what if I have to do this everyday for the rest of my life? Didn't I go to college so I didn't have to do this? And then when I have those thoughts, I feel bad for being so ungrateful for the blessings that Jon and I are receiving- everyday! And I know I'm only going to be 25 this summer, but I think: 25- Woah, you need to get out there Ash, and DO something with your life. And after that thought and then another cycle of negative self talk I am reduced to quiet tears and feel so completely defeated.
Jon has been so amazing through this though, he always reassures me everything will work out, he reminds me of the wonderful accomplishments I have under my belt, and I know he would love me still the same if all I ever did was make coffee. I know that what he wants for me more than anything though is that I do something with my life that I'm proud of, that satisfies me, and makes me glow.
And all these conversations I've had with Jon about this, I've also had with God, and more than ever I know now that I'm not in control. I can make my plans and try to achieve my goals, but it's not up to me. I know more than ever now that He knows what He wants for me. I know that He has a plan for me and our little family. I just have to be patient. And I thought about this last week- be patient... I had to be patient for Jon to come into my life. Before him, I felt I was at a point when I was ready to start my family- I even met a guy I thought I might be happy with for the rest of forever.... Sure, we had different goals, and our core dreams where different, but we shared the gospel and that was what was important, right? When that all fell through, I quickly realized that guy would not have helped me to achieve what I want in this life. Even though some of the things I want in this life are trivial and meaningless, this guy would have never helped me get what I want. And so I had to wait. And I had to be patient. It wasn't too much longer and I met Jon. It wasn't too much longer after that and we fell in love, and he has given me more than I thought I could ever have.
So, after my moment of despair last week, I received that gentle confirmation, as I have so many other times in the past year of job searching, just be patient a little while longer- you will get more than you could have ever dreamed of. Now, what that may mean for our future, I don't know, the Lord works in mysterious ways. But, I do know that it will all work out; maybe not without some struggles, but we could all use a little growth from overcoming a challenge or two.
